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Benevolent sexism is no less harmful than its hostile version

Alexandra Willis
By Alexandra Willis
26 Aug 2024
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This form of oppression is perpetrated – and perpetuated – by both men and women.

At a recent Women’s Month event, the main speaker began her address speaking about women as “life givers” in reference to her own experience of giving birth. I thought, oh no, she’s going to tell us that our purpose is to bear and raise children. It brought to mind Steve Biko’s words that “the most potent weapon in the hands of the oppressor is the mind of the oppressed”.

But then the speaker continued by using “life giver” as an analogy for the various ways in which women give life to the worlds of business, education, politics and others. She grounded her speech in encouraging women to “arise and build”. However inspiring the address, it was also scattered with elements of benevolent sexism.

What is benevolent sexism?


In addition to experiences of hostile or overt sexism, women are also faced with a more understated type of prejudice called benevolent sexism. It refers to attitudes and beliefs that appear positive or well intentioned towards women, but ultimately they reinforce traditional gender roles and maintain male dominance.

Although women are free to pursue careers and determine their own life course in South Africa and in many other countries, there is still an expectation that doing so should come second to supposed primary roles as a mother and a wife. This is seen in subtle rhetoric present in everyday interactions, as well as in more hostile expressions of sexism.

Unlike hostile sexism, which is blatantly derogatory, benevolent sexism operates under the guise of kindness or protection towards women who are “in need” of men’s “guidance” and “protection”, and treated as delicate petunias needing to be “looked after” or “taken care of”. Ironically, if we are in need of protection, it is from other men. 

Various forms of protective paternalism are at play in interpersonal relationships between a man and a woman in a romantic relationship, between a father and a daughter, between male and female colleagues and between fellow human beings in everyday interactions.

Benevolent sexism is present when I walk into a restaurant with a man and he is greeted and asked for my order while I am completely ignored. It’s present in marital relationships where a husband has made career decisions that affect his wife and their children without consulting her.

It’s present when a father makes decisions for his daughter about which subjects she pursues at school to matric level, where she can go and with whom (this line is a bit blurry when a girl is a minor, but that’s for another discussion).

It’s present in the various ways in which boys are taught and encouraged to be self-reliant, whereas girls are treated as dependants. It’s present in the Disney and fairy tale classics I grew up on, such as Sleeping Beauty and Thumbelina.

The latter story is that Cornelius goes through death-defying acts, metaphorically slaying dragons to win his sweetheart. This aligns with the prototype of children’s stories in which the female protagonist falls in love with a man for no reason other than that he rescued her.

In Disney’s defence, though, it has redeemed itself in its recent works that have strong female leads without men being part of the heroic stories. The company has made subtle but remarkable changes to original scripts in its remakes of the classics, giving women actual reasons to fall in love while also portraying them as independent and strong-willed.

‘God gave men more responsibility’


It is a universally acknowledged truth that the contemporary intellectual case for women’s liberation and their right to self-determination – the right to own one’s political status and pursue one’s economic and social development – as the cardinal principle of modern international law mirrors the ideas inherited from 18th-century Enlightenment thinkers.

However far we may have come as a society since the Age of Reason in the 17th and 18th centuries, and the women’s liberation movements that ensued in the 19th, 20th and this century for the right to vote and receive equal levels of education to that afforded to men, own property, have our own bank accounts as well as exercise reproductive rights and so on, psychological oppression by well-intentioned men (and women) continues to uphold the patriarchy.

Hostile sexism, which still exists in various forms in the workplace, in domestic affairs and in social life, is supported by the subtleties of benevolent sexism.

The phrase “it is a truth universally acknowledged” is borrowed from Jane Austen in the opening line of her literary classic Pride and Prejudice (1813), in which she writes: “It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.”

She sets the tone for the novel’s exploration of social norms and marriage. Although society has seen seismic social and cultural changes since Austen’s book was first published, some things remain.

I know churches that disallow women from taking on leadership positions, maintaining an obsession with a literal interpretation of a verse in the Bible: “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church.” (Ephesians 5:21-23). Conveniently, these institutions choose to ignore a verse in the very same passage: “[…] Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.”

Read more: Rigid concepts of gender disempower women and girls and render us subordinate

In my church, I’ve had the logic explained to me of “wives submitting to husbands” and women not being allowed to hold leadership positions through paternalistic reasoning by women who have bought into this ideology.

They said it’s not about oppressing women, but about allowing men to take responsibility for us because “God gave men more responsibility. Men and women are equal in value, but different in what they are called to do.” What hogwash.

I know women who choose not to do particular things – such as wear outfits that they would like to or venture to specific places – because their boyfriend, husband or father said no.

I know women who willingly take the guidance of men in decision-making and choose not to go with their gut or their desires, because they genuinely believe that the “natural order” is for men to do the thinking for them.

I know these women personally and my younger self was one of them. Biko wrote that “the most potent weapon in the hands of the oppressor is the mind of the oppressed”, and this couldn’t be truer when applied to women. We must unshackle our minds, encourage collaboration with other women, and lead. 

So, I ask all men and women to think about how they enable benevolent sexism and how we all contribute in some way to maintaining this order of unequal gender relations. DM

This story first appeared in our weekly Daily Maverick 168 newspaper, which is available countrywide for R35.

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