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Vicious cycle — how to break patterns of violence and trauma in South African homes

Vicious cycle — how to break patterns of violence and trauma in South African homes
Thandi van Heyningen
By Thandi van Heyningen
17 Sep 2024
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Parenting programmes like Free to Grow tackle mental health and trauma, and can help stop cycles of violence for women and children.

At the heart of many South African homes sits the tough issue of how child trauma and gender-based violence combine. It is hard enough for children who see or go through this violence to deal with it. It has a devastating impact on their emotional and mental well-being and almost every part of growing up healthy. 

But what makes it worse is the impact they experience long into adulthood. Children who grow up in these environments are more likely to end up in a similar situation when they are older, either hurting others or getting hurt themselves. It’s a vicious cycle, passing the pain from one generation to the next. 

Breaking cycles of trauma and violence is the theme of this week’s Child Trauma Conference in Cape Town, where researchers and practitioners will delve into the complex connection between childhood trauma and gender-based violence. Understanding that these problems are deeply linked is crucial, and solutions are urgently needed to tackle both simultaneously. 

Statistics on violence against children in the home in South Africa:


  • 42% of children have experienced some type of physical, sexual or emotional abuse;

  • 82% of children have been directly exposed to violence at home or in their community;

  • 34% of adolescents have been physically harmed by a caregiver;

  • Almost 33% of adolescents have suffered sexual abuse; and

  • More women and children were murdered and sexually assaulted in the first quarter of 2024 than in the same period last year.


Because so many people in South Africa have been exposed to violence as children and in their intimate relationships, we are a deeply traumatised and wounded society. The effects on parenting are profound. Parents carrying unresolved trauma often struggle to form healthy bonds or provide stable, nurturing homes for their children. 

Survivors of gender-based violence often have poor mental health and can suffer from depression or anxiety. Combined with heightened stress, this can significantly impact their parenting abilities. Without adequate support, these parents may unknowingly continue the patterns of harmful behaviours they experienced as children, carrying cycles of abuse and emotional neglect across generations. 

Raising children requires patience, problem solving and stress management – all skills that can be impaired by trauma. Parents may feel overwhelmed, inadequate or burnt out, preventing them from meeting their children’s needs.

Guilt and shame associated with past trauma can also affect parenting, making it difficult to set boundaries or discipline in a healthy way. Without support, these unresolved emotions may create confusion and instability in the parent-child relationship, negatively affecting the child. 

Programmes focused on improving family relationships can reduce the stress of parenting and build constructive childcare skills. They offer a promising way to address these challenges and reverse the negative cycles. 

Teaching and supporting parents to raise their children positively, and providing support to caregivers who are trauma survivors, can create healthy interpersonal relationships and set a better path for future generations.

While developing Free to Grow, a programme aimed at breaking cycles of trauma and violence through parenting support, we heard countless stories from participants about their experiences of violence in childhood. Many told of feelings of helplessness from emotional and verbal abuse, which can be just as damaging as physical violence. 

Parents described being overwhelmed by their children’s challenging behaviour, while grandparents faced immense anxiety as they navigated caring for multiple generations. These stressors frequently lead to conflict within families, especially when compounded by socioeconomic pressures. 

Free to Grow participants reported positive shifts in family relationships, better communication and less conflict at home. They developed healthier coping skills and better stress management, making it easier to calm down when angry or anxious about difficult home and work situations.

Participants were guided to access resources for mental health support if needed, and were empowered to make good choices and changes in their lives. Importantly, they could develop nonviolent parenting skills, improving their interactions with their children. 

Parenting programmes are not just for traumatised parents. More than half of parents across the world report feeling overwhelmed every day, with single-parent households experiencing the greatest stress, particularly where women are the sole breadwinners. 

Parenting programmes may help to reduce these stressors. One mother shared how she used the skills she learnt in Free to Grow to calm down in stressful situations. This was especially helpful when she faced household tasks and misbehaving children after a long day at work. She could confidently and calmly address her children’s behaviour without resorting to shouting or smacking them. The atmosphere at home was more peaceful, she said. 

A father shared how his interactions with his children changed for the better. From being angry and harsh with them, he learnt to enjoy their company, speaking to them in a calmer, more positive way. The best part for him was that these changes shifted how his children responded to him. The improved relationship brought him immense joy. 

“Even when I come home now, I get told ‘Goodnight!’ and never before was I wished goodnight when I came home. My son even says goodnight to me and calls me ‘Dad’. So, it has changed completely.”

Initiatives that combine personal growth with parenting skills create a supportive space for positive change where caregivers can access support and learn new skills. By improving family relationships, lowering stress and equipping people to handle challenges better, they can help to stop cycles of violence and trauma for women and children. 

Adding support systems like Free to Grow to the workplace or communities is a valuable way to deal with complex social problems, improving life not just for the individual but for society too. DM

Thandi van Heyningen, Senior Researcher, Justice and Violence Prevention, Institute for Security Studies (ISS) Pretoria.

Research for this article is funded by the World Childhood Foundation.

First published by ISS Today.

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