Football makes such diabolical fools of men, perhaps we should ban it

5 Mar 2023

You’d think they’d freak out about the important things in life, like the rising price of booze, but instead they go on the rampage over something as trivial as the score in a soccer match – and then drink their pain away

Men can be disgracefully stupid. They are the only species I know that can bash one another, trash property, swear at each other, spit and even kill one another over the outcome of a game involving 22 men kicking a football.

People have died over the years as a result of this mad passion of these men, some of whom put on the most ridiculous costumes when attending matches.

I have seen some guy dressed in nothing but a tight-fitting adult nappy, exposing a backside so washed out it left one wondering if he had been rolling in raw cement.

Ai, but the violence, man. You would think there are more pressing matters in this life, like an increase in the price of booze, to warrant such a spirited reaction from men.

One would have expected that after such terrible news from Minister of Finance Enoch Godongwana, in his recent Budget speech, men would take to the streets and show their displeasure in the same way they react to football.

But no, what do they do? They flock to the bars and taverns to drown their sorrows in the same beverages whose prices the minister has upped to compound our hardships.

Real men would march on Parliament and even camp outside the dishonourable minister’s home, drinking, to express their disgust at the injustice of hiking the price of this gift from the gods.

But no. They would rather fight and maim each other over the outcome of a football match. You would think they actually get paid a share of the winnings if the team they support wins a game.

A fair share of wives and girlfriends know that their men lose the zest for matters of the flesh if their team loses a football match. In that case, some men drink themselves into a stupor and pass out on the couch for the entire weekend.

It’s too bad if a man’s team is going through a rough patch like the former glamour boys of Soweto, who win one match, draw and lose the next two against minnows and then spring a surprise with a win against the mighty Pirates.

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I will never understand why a game of football brings out the worst of the worst in this species with balls.

Recently, after this farce called the Soweto Derby – you know, that football match that has long lost its spark, like the ANC – I saw a disturbing video of men trashing a BMW.

They were dressed in the colours of the two clubs, Orlando Pirates and Kaizer Chiefs, kicking the German machine’s doors, jumping on its bonnet, even trying to break its windows.

If it had been a human being they were molesting in that fashion, I would have thought, well, maybe he or she had a hand in the outcome of the game, which Pirates lost 0-1.

The way they were kicking the poor car, it was as if it had feelings and was feeling some pain whereas, in reality, the ones feeling the pain were the men trampling on the car.

In years past, Pirates were known as a team of thugs, hardcore kasi ruffians who would harass anyone not linked to their club, from rival supporters to referees and opposition players.

They were even known to visit the homes of their own players who stayed away from training for one reason or the other, including not getting paid, and march them to the training ground at knifepoint.

In the early 1990s, one of the club’s former directors, a feared thug known to force players to sign contracts with the club at gunpoint, was killed in a gunfight with the police in Soweto.

Once, after a derby won by Chiefs, a one-eyed Pirates fan brandishing a panga walked into a party where Amakhosi supporters were celebrating and trashed the sound system before casually walking away.

With the looming appointment of the Minister of Electricity, perhaps it would also be wise for Number 1, the Buffalo Soldier, to seriously consider appointing a Minister of Football Supporters, focusing specifically on men.

Or maybe football should be banned completely. Surely something that brings out such diabolic behaviour in a section of our society can’t be good for humanity. Not so stylish, man. DM168

Mr Styles is the former president of the Organisation for Stylish People of SA (Osposa). He is against anything unstylish.

This story first appeared in our weekly Daily Maverick 168 newspaper, which is available countrywide for R25.

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