There’s neither rhyme nor reason to this selection other than the headline must have appeared during 2024 on a proper news site (for which definition I have tenuously included IOL.co.za) and it must have tickled the fancy of my weird mind.
The good
Ready, steady, eau! Paris waiters race each other through the city’s streets (but who’ll croissant the line first?) dailymail.co.uk
Aliyev and kicking… The Economist on the re-election of Azerbaijan President Ilham Aliyev
Rising crime weave: Wig snatchers target quality hairpieces in Joburg and Cape Town news24.com
Drinking wine to 5: Dolly Parton launches prosecco and rosé range in UK theguardian.com
The weird
Uni boss, 63, sacked for starring in vegan-themed porn films thesun.co.uk
Britain has been invaded by parakeets — and it’s got nothing to do with Jimi Hendrix theguardian.com
Penis filler surgery broke lockdown rules telegraph.co.uk
New York authorities euthanise social media star Peanut the squirrel theguardian.com
North Korea censors UK TV gardener’s trousers bbc.com
Breaking (wind) news
Breaking wind on colleague was age discrimination, judge rules thetimes.co.uk
Everyone in Japan will be called Sato by 2531 unless marriage law changed, says professor theguardian.com
If you cry at the movies you could be more likely to die young dailymail.co.uk
Japan equips trains with stab-proof umbrellas to combat knife crime thetimes.co.uk
Mark Lifman’s alleged hitman was Cosmo’s 2013 barman of the year (and a scaredy cat) news24.com
King Charles finally gets to wear his banned coronation breeches thetimes.co.uk
DPD AI chatbot swears, calls itself ‘useless’ and criticises delivery firm theguardian.com
Play about late Queen Mother given trigger warning
telegraph.co.uk
New Zealand Charity Accidentally Gives Away Meth Disguised As Candy NYTimes.com
Anti-hatred tsar quits because of all the hate he got before he even starts the job dailymail.co.uk
Councils scrapping apostrophes is just another sorry sign of Britain’s decline telegraph.co.uk
Australia’s Macquarie Dictionary picks ‘enshittification’ as word of 2024 aljazeera.com
Scorned husband goes on berserk rampage after finding his wife and BROTHER having sex in the back of a car in Australia... but that’s not the worst part dailymail.co.uk
Rowan Atkinson blamed for poor electric car sales telegraph.co.uk
From our political correspondents
MP denies being drunk and in underwear outside parliament at 4am smh.com.au
Welsh government to ban politicians from lying telegraph.co.uk
Donald Trump: God saved me so I can save the world thetimes.co.uk
Dead people should be able to change their gender, says Labour MP
telegraph.co.uk
Floyd Shivambu has the tools to lead Treasury IOL.co.za
Chaos in Bahamas parliament as MP throws ceremonial mace out of window theguardian.com
The sports section
Julien Bernard fined for stopping to kiss wife during Tour de France time trial theguardian.com
Gutsy play: Packers QB Malik Willis declines to pass after teammate vomits on ball theguardian.com
Australia’s Raygun officially ranked as the world’s best female breakdancer IOL.co.za
Scrabble star wins Spanish world title — despite not speaking Spanish theguardian.com
AFL umpire Leigh Haussen banned after dressing as Osama bin Laden at function theguardian.com
Sex noises interrupt BBC coverage of World Indoor Bowls Championship telegraph.co.uk DM