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Helpful New Year’s resolutions for SA's infamous public figures and the people who need them the most

Helpful New Year’s resolutions for SA's infamous public figures and the people who need them the most
Some of the eight VIP Protection Unit officers at the Sandton Police Station on Sunday, 22 July 2023, where they were charged with assaulting four people on the N1 in Johannesburg. (Photo: Leon Sadiki)
Rebecca Davis
By Rebecca Davis
30 Dec 2023
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Looking back on the year that was, some of those who occupied centre stage shouldn’t find it too difficult to choose options for doing better in 2024. But, in case they’re still clueless, here’s some help. 

The dawning of a new year offers an opportunity to start afresh and renew good intentions. Daily Maverick respectfully offers some suggestions for public figures who intend to turn over a new leaf in 2024.

Jacob Zuma Former president Jacob Zuma attend the proceedings to support Ngizwe Mchunu at the Randburg Magistrates' Court on 3 November 2023 in Randburg, South Africa. (Photo: Gallo Images / Sharon Seretlo)


For Jacob Zuma:


Every year I say that I’m going to focus on Nkandla and the grandkids, and every year I simply can’t resist getting drawn into nonsense.

For 2024, I can absolutely commit to neither taking a single journalist to court, nor trying to get Judge Raymond Zondo removed as chief justice, or pursuing any other of my nutty legal side projects.

Instead, I shall revel in the extraordinary, undeserved good fortune of my remission of sentence by the prisons commissioner and maybe tutor adorable schoolkids in chess or something. 

Busisiwe Mkhwebane Busisiwe Mkhwebane chats to Advocate Dali Mpofu during Mkhwebane's impeachment proceedings at Parliament on 1 February 2023. (Photo: Shelley Christians)


For Busisiwe Mkhwebane:


It’s been a turbulent year for me, as I lost one fairly high-profile job but gained my true calling as an EFF MP. In 2024, I pledge to do none of the following: tweet about my ultimate vindication through a Higher Power; contract Dali Mpofu to represent me in any legal matter; keep on banging on about currency manipulation.

Instead, I will embrace my short-lived career as a parliamentarian, which will inevitably end as a result of ego clashes with the Freedom Fighter big boys.

Thereafter, I will join former University of Cape Town vice-chancellor Mamokgethi Phakeng as an influencer for Cypriot cryptocurrency businesses. 

John Steenhuisen John Steenhuisen address delegates at the Democratic Alliance Federal Conference held at Gallagher Convention centre in Midrand on 1 April 2023. (Photo: Felix Dlangamandla)


For John Steenhuisen:


In 2023, I had to face up to the fact that almost nobody in the Multi-Party Charter wanted me as the coalition’s presidential candidate, which has prompted some soul-searching about what the other parties can see that the DA can’t.

In 2024, I promise to spend more time journalling in order to continue this journey of self-reflection on whether I am, in fact, the most appropriate possible candidate to serve as head of state of South Africa.

Matthew Lani The charges against infamous TikTok creator Matthew Lani have been dropped. (Photo: Supplied)


For fake doctor Matthew Lani:


My stethoscope is going in the bin. Ditto my fake scrubs. Ditto my fake Helen Joseph Hospital locker. Ditto all my framed fake medical certificates. Ditto all the fraudulent online exchanges I faked with medical authority figures to make me look legit.

Furthermore, I will be deleting TikTok come 31 December and will be confining my social media activities to platforms nobody takes seriously, like X.

In future, I will play out my doctor fantasies like everyone else: by compulsively googling all my imaginary symptoms and watching Grey’s Anatomy again.

Reuben Brigety Ambassador Reuben Brigety. (Photo: Flickr)


For US ambassador to South Africa Reuben Brigety:


Boy oh boy, not my finest year. In May I — quite embarrassingly — told the entire world that I would “bet my life” on South Africa having sent weapons to Russia on the Lady R. Turns out, it probably didn’t. And although my enchanting bow ties have seen me through trouble before, this was a sticky one. Moral of the story: in 2024 I will refrain from using the threat of my own mortality as a diplomatic bargaining chip.

Thabo Bester Thabo Bester (right) with co-accused Dr Nandipha Magudumana (left) at the Bloemfontein Magistrates' Court on 8 August 2023 in Bloemfontein, South Africa. (Photo: Gallo Images / Frikkie Kapp)


For Thabo Bester and Dr Nandipha Magudumana:


Our shared New Year’s Resolutions for 2024 are the same as every year: don’t rape, murder or defraud anyone; don’t escape from prison under the pretext of dying in a fire; definitely don’t try to go on the run as an international fugitive. In 2023, we missed the mark on, wow, a whole bunch of those.

cop highway assault bodyguards blue light brigade Some of the eight VIP Protection Unit officers at the Sandton Police Station on 22 July 2023, where they were charged with assaulting four people on the N1 in Johannesburg. (Photo: Leon Sadiki)


For Paul Mashatile’s bodyguards:


Although we recognise that protecting the deputy president of South Africa is a deadly serious task, we acknowledge that, upon reflection, this year we may have gone a teensy bit too far. The whole scene in July where we violently beat up three civilians was, looking back, on the side of OTT.

Our plans for 2024 include group therapy, anger management classes, meditation, breathwork and that thing where you heal your inner child. DM

This story first appeared in our weekly Daily Maverick 168 newspaper, which is available countrywide for R29.

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