I used to have a crush on Advocate Busisiwe Mkhwebane, but now I’m just crushed

I can’t believe there was a time when I really thought I had a crush on Busisiwe Mkhwebane. S’true. Kalokhu, this is an advocate we are talking about. A learned officer of the court, a woman bestowed with the massive responsibility of protecting the South African public, a woman of power. Maaaaaan, does it get any better than this?

Truly speaking, there’s a certain buzz that women with brains bring to the likes of yours truly. Especially if they hold some position of authority. They just make you imagine long, intellectually stimulating conversations over a generous serving of vino tinto and prawns.

And I am certainly not the only sapiophile under this merciless African sun. Even across the seas, psychologists agree there is that elite class of us who are attracted not by long nails or Brazilian weaves, but by a woman’s ability to stimulate our own brain with her intelligence.

In a 2016 article on www.allure.com, Renee Jacques writes about a study conducted by researchers at Northwestern University and the University of Innsbruck, which “concluded that men these days are [realising] that there’s way more that makes a woman attractive than her appearance”.

She goes on to say that, “when it comes to finding a long-lasting relationship, men in countries that are gender egalitarian, like Finland and the United States, were more attracted to women who were perceived as intelligent and educated, rather than women who were perceived to have youth and beauty. Women in those countries also looked for the same qualities in men…”

I knew of a guy ekasi who was attracted by a woman’s ability to memorise verses from the bible. Amen. Well, I guess it’s different strokes for different folks.

Like, for instance, I know most Zulu women are attracted to taxi drivers. Not just any taxi driver, though. The more rude and reckless a driver the nsizwa is, the more women fall for him. You will even overhear conversations in which these women boast about the number of road accidents their man has caused and survived to tell the tale. I doubt even psychologists can explain this obsession with a guy’s ability to violate traffic rules.

In fact, on a recent trip to Lephalale in what used to be known as Noord-Transvaal, I learnt that ladies over there don’t give a rat’s ass about the kind of wheels a guy rolls in. In that dorpie, the home of the Medupi Power Station, I was later to learn that women are attracted to guys who dress up in those white overalls worn by mine workers. You can show up in your Italian-tailored suits, leather jackets, designer shoes, they don’t care. They want the guy in the overalls. Ai!

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Anyway, after what’s been revealed about the real Advo Mkhwebane in the hearing, where she’s fighting to keep her job, just the mention of her name now fills my head with dread. Look, the Advo has lost more court cases than her former boss, Jacob Zuma.

And with each case she has lost, serious questions have been raised about whether she has ever paged through a law textbook. Even judges have expressed frustration at her apparent lack of understanding of the law.

During a conversation at the Saxonwold Shebeen, I overheard some folks asking if she was perhaps once classmates with the celebrated Advocate Malesela Teffo. I have no clue if they were – but that “pass one, pass all” duo would make a great legal team, specialising in sending clients to jail.

Just recently, former chief operating officer in the Office of the Public Protector Basani Baloyi told the committee sitting to determine Mkhwebane’s fitness to hold office that employees had to address her as madam and bow down to her. Yoh! It seems she is cut from the same cloth as these MECs and ministers who make their office staff carry their bags and hold umbrellas over their heads during public engagements. One wonders what else they make them hold in private.

This revelation by Baloyi made me wonder what it would be like having dinner with Advocate Mkhwebane. Imagine being expected to bow each time she took a bite... By the end of such an evening, one would certainly be in a neck brace from all the bowing...

You know, after this revelation by Baloyi, just the mere mention of Mkhwebane’s name gives me a fright. In the past, the name gave me goosebumps.

After what happened while watching the news the other day, I guess even the gods are shocked. There was a news item about her on the telly. Then, suddenly, when images of her came up, boom, off went the power. I couldn’t believe it. Was it perhaps an intervention by the gods to protect my precarious heart from further pain? Advo, my former crush, I am crushed. DM168

Mr Styles is the former president of the Organisation for Stylish People of South Africa (Osposa). He is against anything and anyone unstylish.

This story first appeared in our weekly Daily Maverick 168 newspaper, which is available countrywide for R25.