Idiocracy: A Gospel for the New Aeon

The Gospel according to Dwayne

In the end was the Word. The Word was: Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho. Which, technically, is six words, but we’re going to advise you right up front to let go of your attachment to the details. In the New Aeon, things like details and facts are a hazard to your happiness. Anyway, that was the Word and the Word was good. The Word was the name of POTUS, the Person On Top (of all of) US, which, as some of the older people said, used to stand for “President of the United States”. But the old people were hung up on details, which was why they were unhappy, and probably also why they were old. More upsettingly, as the Person On Top (of all of) US said, the old people didn’t drink Mountain Dew as much as normal people did. The old people drank stuff that wasn’t in the Word, which definitely wasn’t good. Most normal people knew that drinking stuff that wasn’t endorsed by POTUS would break the economy.

Rewind until you’re further back than when your dad was a boy, which is to say, before the First Person On Top (of all of) US, the Very Rich and Handsome TRUMPPOTUS, bought the entire global economy with credit that he leveraged from the Very Best Untouchable Banksters. It was the months before the dawn of the New Aeon, and screenwriter Etan Cohen, who co-wrote the movie Idiocracy with director Mike Judge, sent forth into the Twittersphere (some kind of defunct online group therapy circle for bird people or whatever) a message that said: "I never expected #idiocracy to become a documentary.”

And so the movie Idiocracy became a documentary, and it was good, because not only did it deliver the Word in the name of Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho, but also in the name of the Attorney General, who was a walk-on character in the movie, but a prophet in real life.

Watch: President Camacho's State of the Union address

The Gospel according to the Attorney General

“Water? Like out of the toilet?”

The Gospel according to Matt I

Before the Very Rich and Handsome TRUMPPOTUS solved the global water crisis by selling Brawndo – The Thirst Mutilator – at a small and totally fair margin to everyone and keeping the water for the toilets, there was a writer at Rolling Stone magazine – now Holy Rolling Stone magazine – who wrote the truth. Some of the old people said he wrote irony, but irony is details: no, Matt Taibbi wrote the truth. Which is why Rolling Stone became holy.

This is what Matt wrote on 24 February 2016 of the Old Aeon, in the months before the dawn of the New Aeon: “At the Verizon Giganto-Center in Manchester the night before the New Hampshire primary, Trump bounds onstage to raucous applause and the booming riffs of the Lennon-McCartney anthem ‘Revolution’. The song is, hilariously, a cautionary tale about the perils of false prophets peddling mindless revolts, but Trump floats in on its grooves like it means the opposite. When you win as much as he does, who the hell cares what anything means?”

Photo: A supporter of Republican U.S. presidential candidate Donald Trump gestures towards a protester as Trump speaks during an airport campaign stop in Millington, Tennessee February 27, 2016. REUTERS/Karen Pulfer Focht

But that was just the start. Because Matt knew a thing or two about balls, and balls were a very important part of the movie Idiocracy, which you’d think would be called Holy Idiocracy, but nope (like we said, details will only make you unhappy).

The Gospel according to Balls

“Comin' up next on The Violence Channel: An all-new ‘Ow, My Balls!’”

The Gospel according to Matt II

Remember when we said Matt knew a thing or two about balls? We weren’t yanking your chain (in the New Aeon, balls and chains are acceptable as a mixed metaphor). So here’s what else Matt wrote in the Holy Rolling Stone on 24 February 2016 of the Old Aeon:

“It's a few minutes after that when a woman in the crowd shouts that Ted Cruz is a pussy. She will later tell a journalist she supports Trump because his balls are the size of ‘watermelons,’ while his opponents' balls are more like ‘grapes’ or ‘raisins.’

“Trump's balls are unaware of this, but he instinctively likes her comment and decides to go into headline-making mode. ‘I never expect to hear that from you again!’ he says, grinning. ‘She said he's a pussy. That's terrible.’ Then, theatrically, he turns his back to the crowd. As the 500 or so reporters in attendance scramble to instantly make this the most important piece of news in the world – in less than a year Trump has succeeded in turning the USA into a massive high school – the candidate beams.”

The Gospel according to Private Joe

And so the hero of the movie Idiocracy was Private Joe Bowers, as played by Luke Wilson, who (did we already tell you this?) was an actor in the movie but a prophet in real life. Private Joe, the prophet, was volunteered for a human hibernation project that was supposed to transport him a year into the future but instead transported him 500 years into the future. Realising that he needn’t use high-falutin’ words and that political correctness didn’t exist in the New Aeon, Private Joe gave a speech:

“And there was a time in this country, a long time ago, when reading wasn't just for fags and neither was writing. People wrote books and movies, movies that had stories so you cared whose ass it was and why it was farting, and I believe that time can come again!”

The Gospel according to Matt III

To quote again verbatim from the Holy Rolling Stone of 24 February 2016:

“President Donald Trump.

“A thousand ridiculous accidents needed to happen in the unlikeliest of sequences for it to be possible, but absent a dramatic turn of events – an early primary catastrophe, Mike Bloomberg ego-crashing the race, etc. – this boorish, monosyllabic TV tyrant with the attention span of an Xbox-playing 11-year-old really is set to lay waste to the most impenetrable oligarchy the Western world ever devised.

“It turns out we let our electoral process devolve into something so fake and dysfunctional that any half-bright con man with the stones to try it could walk right through the front door and tear it to shreds on the first go.

“And Trump is no half-bright con man, either. He's way better than average.”

The Gospel according to the Narrator

We now come, as we must, to the end of these Gospels of the New Aeon. At 1153 words and counting they are already too long – too many words equals too many potential facts, and none of us wants to be unhappy. Suffice to say that Idiocracy, the totally made-up movie by Mike Judge from the year 2005 of the Old Aeon that became a totally true documentary in the year 2016 of the Old Aeon, is accepted as a Holy Book alongside the Holy Rolling Stone magazine (even though neither of them are technically books and only one of them can claim the official title Holy in both caps and italics). Anyway, in real life it didn’t take 500 years from the year 2005 of the Old Aeon for mankind to reach the Golden Age. The passing of the years as evoked by the narrator of Idiocracy, whoever he was, were collapsed by the grace of the Very Rich and Handsome TRUMPPOTUS into a coupla months:

“The years passed, mankind became stupider at a frightening rate. Some had high hopes the genetic engineering would correct this trend in evolution, but sadly the greatest minds and resources where focused on conquering hair loss and prolonging erections.”

Apocrypha (NOT REQUIRED READING)

In the year 2007 of the Old Aeon, the editor of the website on which this article appears told the writer of this article to write a review of the movie Idiocracy for the print magazine Empire. This writer did as instructed. Then, in the year 2010 of the Old Aeon, the editor of this website, thinking that reality was beginning to look like the movie (the editor’s all-time favourite, by the way), took the article from the print magazine and reposted it on this website, as was his right. Then, late in the year 2015 of the Old Aeon, thinking that reality was now really beginning to look like the movie, the editor asked the writer of this article to write a follow-up article. This writer did not do as instructed. Then, the great day of 24 February 2016 dawned, the day on which a) Matt Taibbi’s article about President Donald Trump appeared in Rolling Stone and b) Etan Cohen rechristened the feature movie that he co-wrote with Mike Judge a “documentary”.

And so here we are. DM

Photo: Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump gestures and declares "You're fired!" at a rally in Manchester, New Hampshire, June 17, 2015.  REUTERS/Dominick Reuter