If we want to tackle toxic masculinity and GBV, we must start with South Africa’s boys

We do not need Women’s Month to highlight the fact that South Africa’s women are under attack — at the hands of the country’s men. However, if we are serious about taking meaningful action, what we do need is a national preventative intervention that starts with boys.

Because women bear the brunt of the violence, it might seem counterintuitive to suggest that boys need more support and guidance than ever before. But as social reformer, writer and statesperson Frederick Douglass said, “it is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.” And in this country, it is of utmost importance that boys are helped to navigate towards a fuller and more healthy expression of their gender.

Influenced by an outdated version of what it means to be a man, the evidence of destructive behaviour, limiting gender roles and stereotyping plays out in many disturbing ways and finds its most brutal expression in physical violence.

We live in a culture that teaches boys stoicism over authenticity, dominance over empathy, aggression over assertiveness, and that if they don’t follow their script, someone will take notice and take their “man card” away. Boys are taught not to seek help, ask for advice, or even ask for directions because they believe that asking for help would suggest a lack of leadership, instead of being an acute sign of it.

Rigid social norms encourage and glorify qualities like showing strength and hiding weakness; dominating and asserting control in all personal relationships; never admitting vulnerability or emotions; and prioritising strength, physical prowess and sexual triumph over intellect, emotional intelligence, and friendship.

Without emotional intelligence, boys miss the opportunity to gain mastery over their inner lives. According to psychologist and author Daniel Goleman, emotional intelligence is reflected through empathy and healthy interpersonal relationships.

By learning empathy, boys become not only more understanding of others but also more aware of the impact their own behaviour has on other people. Teasing, bullying, sexual harassment and other forms of disrespect and violence would occur less frequently if more boys and men felt this emotional connection.

The problem is not men. It is patriarchy, sexism and male domination, the harrowing effects that rigid gender guidelines have upon adolescents on the cusp of manhood. Men who reject rigid societal ideas about manhood understand that it is okay to promote equality, that it is okay to have women who are just friends, that it is okay to care for children and that it is okay to be whole.

If we do not help young men and boys heal, we do not bring them on board to be the allies that they could be. Education in schools, as a preventative measure, has a vital role to play in providing them with basic tools and knowledge about issues like gender stereotypes, healthy relationships, sexual consent, and respect.

We fail them if we do not give them an opportunity to have open, robust discussions about these issues in a safe forum in which they feel supported and able to express their fears and anxieties.

Boys need to be given experiences, tools, skills, safe spaces and support so that they become aware of their internal emotional and psychological triggers; can self-regulate anxiety, powerlessness, sadness and anger; can un-learn harmful societal notions of masculinity and gender norms.  

We need to do this so we can raise boys and men who proudly value compassion and empathy. DM