I was pleasantly surprised to learn that Daddy’s Gal now boasts a new title: ‘Commander’ Duduzile Zuma-Sambudla. One can only assume she is currently deep in the bush undergoing advanced emoji warfare training in preparation for Zuma Riots 2.0.
Ah, Chief Dwasaho! I feel a sense of déjà vu that our state security agencies are being “used and abused” to gerrymander political outcomes favourable to the ANC ruling class and the “enemies of the National Democratic Revolution” (NDR).
Who can explain, in simple legalese, why South Africa’s very own reincarnation of Winnie Madikizela-Mandela — Duduzile “Daddy’s Gal” Zuma-Sambudla (42) — was dragged, screaming and kicking, before the Durban Magistrates’ Court? Her “serious charges” include violations of the Protection of Constitutional Democracy Against Terrorist and Related Activities Act and incitement to commit violence.
Did Jacob Zuma’s baby girl incite violence? Really now? uGal’s entire professional résumé consists of sitting next to uBaba during press conferences, flashing a rehearsed smile on cue.
When she’s not doing that, she moonlights as an X/Twitter warrior armed only with catchy phrases like “we see you”. Since the riots ended and Daddy’s Gal appeared in court on 30 January, that’s 1,292 days that it took the police to read her eight-day Twitter onslaught.
The Hawks said this resulted from “a meticulous investigation”. The case moves to the KwaZulu-Natal Division of the High Court in Durban on 20 March for Daddy’s Gal to fight her “Ghost of Christmas Past”.
My leader, don’t take this personally, but I am in rare agreement with advocate Dali Mpofu, SC. Yes, you read that right. His argument that the prosecution of the “Mother of eNkandla” is nothing more than “a waste of time” might hold water.
Irony
Meanwhile, here we have Mpofu, once the darling of Winnie Mandela, now representing the reincarnation of Winnie herself — Duduzile Zuma-Sambudla. Of course, the irony is so thick you could cut it with a butter knife.
At least he (Mpofu) is older, wiser and allegedly fit for this warfare. After all, the charges are “politically motivated” — the same hymnbook invented by her father and made famous by Mpofu’s political theatrics in courts.
I have seen this movie before — no case will begin in March because uGal intends to take legal action for “malicious prosecution” against the National Prosecuting Authority.
More importantly, Mpofu is the proud architect of Mpofuism — an idiosyncratic legal strategy designed to keep the courts tied up in political theatrics rather than actual justice. Talk about birds of a feather flocking together in the grand theatre of South African lawfare!
I was pleasantly surprised to learn that Daddy’s Gal now boasts a new title: “Commander” Duduzile Zuma-Sambudla. One can only assume she heads the uMkhonto Wesizwe (MK) party’s elite “Yellow Bone” detachment, currently deep in the bush undergoing advanced emoji warfare training in preparation for Zuma Riots 2.0.
Which will of course be funded from the proceeds of State Capture, and let’s not forget the 256 ATMs emptied and 36 physically stolen during the 2021 riots. Guys, as we sit here moralising about the Zumas, someone or a group of people own ATMs. I curse myself for being as thick as a brick and painfully slow. Imagine having your very own ATM at home — withdrawals on demand, no bank fees and no judgemental stares when you receive the message “Insufficient funds”.
While the world was consumed by AfriForum and Solidariteit’s endless press briefings — denying ever speaking ill of South Africa abroad and rejecting US President Donald Trump’s offer to grant refugee status to Afrikaners facing land confiscation and “escaping government-sponsored race-based discrimination” — I put on my thinking cap.
The real logistical challenge
I couldn’t help but consider the real logistical challenge: How exactly does one transport white commercial farmers’ land — all 61 million hectares of it (which accounts for 78% of the farmland or 50% of all land in South Africa) — on a cargo ship bound for Washington?
I agree entirely with the AfriForum and Solidariteit ideologues — it would be an even greater logistical nightmare (perhaps requiring the expertise of Gift of the Givers) to find passenger ships large enough to transport the farmworkers and domestic staff.
According to Perplexity AI, analysing data from the Q3: 2024 Quarterly Labour Force Survey, an estimated 250,000 to 330,000 domestic workers are employed in white-owned households. Imagine loading them all on to ships for a 6,870-nautical-mile journey to the US mainland, lasting between 32 and 48 days.
Not to mention approximately 300,000 to 350,000 farmworkers employed on white-owned farms. Eish, I forgot that all domestic and most farm workers are black Africans, not qualifying for Trump’s “refugee” status.
Similarly, imagine an Afrikaner family without land and a Mavis in the US! Hence, the scheme collapses at the first hurdle. All Afrikaners are Trumped, now scrambling to plead innocence over who influenced right-wing politicians globally against a democratically elected yet underperforming government in terms of redress for apartheid sins and crimes.
I digress.
Where was I?
Oh yes, Daddy’s Gal, just as the apartheid apologists AfriForum and Solidariteit found themselves up the creek without a paddle, she too found herself in the soup again — guess why? Another X rant, this time aimed at “uBaba’s Shangaan” — a derogatory term directed at Floyd Shivambu, MK’s secretary-general.
Floyd got his dues because he made his bed; now he must lie in it. “Commander”, Duduzile Zuma-Sambudla called him — another senior commander of the Zuma ragtag army — “useless”; the “worst thing that has happened to the MK party”; and, for good measure, she added: “F*** you, Floyd”.
Unfortunately for her, she touched uBaba on his studio and was promptly forced — through an unsigned press release issued by her father — to apologise publicly. And so she did, though notably, she never mentioned Shivambu by name.
Pattern
Imagine fighting “politically motivated criminal charges” stemming from your X account, only to turn around and do the exact same thing before your trial! Is there a pattern emerging here? Am I prejudiced against uBaba’s Baby Gal? Perhaps.
But maybe it’s just the Zulu man in me who is still grappling with the reality that I only managed to father one beautiful daughter and a son — a lawyer, no less — who will defend me should the Zumas take offence at this rant. He, too, is a Daddy’s Boy — we share adult beverages, mos. At last count, and by conservative estimates, uBaba has sired more than 23 children. The original G — a real GOAT!
Perhaps I am prejudiced against the Zumas, my judgement clouded by the bogeyman of three yet-to-be-named foreign intelligence agencies allegedly hellbent on fast-tracking Zuma’s political Waterloo. In this case, it would mark the early demise of the Zuma empire, so meticulously stitched together since the early 1960s and now, in a delicious twist of irony, tethered to the third-largest party in the post-Zuma era. This is a developing story.
Comrade Leadership, now that you are riding the wave of support from European capitals, the Middle East and your BRICS+ fellows against Trump’s ill-informed executive order — unlawful and unenforceable — it’s time we spoke about your successor.
Clearly, a house divided like the MK party cannot stand, and rumour-mongers led by the combined might of AfriForum and Solidariteit aren’t exactly ready to govern. So, who will rule South Africa post-ANC?
Hopping mad
My mind drifts to the Democratic Alliance (DA), led by a man whose claim to fame is a birth certificate, a divorce decree and a matric certificate. Not so long ago, John Steenhuisen was hopping mad — so much so that he practically lost his voice — over the Expropriation Act and the Basic Education Laws Amendment (Bela) Act.
Surprisingly, the DA’s court papers challenge procedural issues, not the “nil compensation” clause — the very one that got us Trumped in the first place. The Constitutional Court may rule in their favour, allowing Parliament to fix the defects. Case closed.
So, what was all that huffing and puffing about? Political theatrics, designed to placate the party’s conservative elements.
Despite a wave of dissatisfaction following the signing of the Bela Act three months ago, no court action has been mounted. The National Health Insurance scam is going ahead in its original ANC form.
Meanwhile, the recent State of the Nation Address, to which the DA contributed, reads like a rehash of previous ANC failed promises. Different actors, same tired script — still not Ready to Govern.
Till next week, my man. Send me nowhere. I am fatigued by politicians. DM
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