Lord, hear our prayers for dear Msholozi, ‘Sho’t Left’ Mbalula and Malindi, our most fearless Woman Warrior

Attentive readers of the news (especially those in KwaZulu-Natal nervously expecting the next gang of looters arriving to clear out the supermarkets) will have noticed that a week or two ago most of the provincial government and that of the City of Durban went to Nkandla to have a prayer meeting with former president Jacob Zuma.

Clearly the ANC in KZN desperately needs to keep Zuma going, to maintain his profile as the paramount chief of looters. Until the provincial conference at least.

So we checked out a recording of the prayers prayed at Nkandla that day, provided to us by a rogue Crime Intelligence agent. Well, they’re all rogue, but this one is particularly needy because those billion-rand slush funds have dried up and the only way to make a living is to sell whatever information they can acquire to the highest bidder. We bought it for R4.50.

It’s all in isiZulu and because mlungus like me don’t understand the heavenly language, we had it transcribed by the Pan South African Language Board, then translated into English by Professor of Classical and Biblical Zulu at the University of KZN, Gingindlovu, Dingane Mpe. (Ellipses below represent passages unintelligible even to Prof Mpe.)

Reading that transcription and translation, we were especially impressed by the contribution of one Very Reverend Josias Makwagubelegubele, whose prayer for the former president, current jailbird and patron saint of the destruction of democratic institutions we found very moving.

It went, in part, like this: “Oh Lord, most high and powerful master of all, we beg you to protect our great leader and moral compass Jacob Zuma, as he fights courageously against ever having his day in court. We ask that you strengthen his arms, and possibly his feet, in this battle, which has been going on since about 2004, on and off…

More satire in Daily Maverick: “Praise the Lord and pass the algorithm – the day I learnt that not every computer program has special plans for me”

“You know, Lord, that this is all a CIA plot against him because, well, the CIA just really hates him, as it has done since about the mid-1960s, and has been prosecuting this malicious campaign against him, hoping to see him in jail sooner rather than later…

“So, Lord, yes, you have managed to fend off the forces of darkness for a few decades, but if you could perhaps rain down some fire and brimstone on the CIA, thus taking them out of the picture, that would be truly wonderful… No CIA, no trial! The charges against our glorious former leader obviously disappear, so that is our prayer…

“We also pray for Msholozi that he is cured of his mystery ailment, but not if curing that ailment is going to mean he has to go back to jail… So, perhaps, Lord, you can just keep that mystery ailment going for a while, but not in a way that causes Msholozi any actual suffering, because we really wouldn’t want him to feel under the weather in any way…

“And certainly not, Lord, when he has to advise our government in KZN on which leader should get on to which slate at the provincial electoral conference that’s just around the corner…

“We must have his view on who will be most useful to the faction of which he is the shining figurehead.

“We need to know who has the money to spread around the branches, and who can work the patronage networks most effectively now that Zandile Gumede has to do all her networking in secret…”

Prayer list