Message for the Moegoe from Moscow: SA takes a stand against global tsotsis

2 Apr 2023

Russian President Vladimir Putin is set to touch down in Mzansi later this year for the BRICS summit. All I can say is beware, Vlado. This stylish son of the soil will be ready – and waiting – for you.

I have literally been living in the gym – getting myself into tiptop condition and polishing my rusty martial arts skills since those chaps at the International Criminal Court (ICC) issued a warrant of arrest for Russian President Vladimir Putin.

Vlado is set to head to our shores sometime this year for the BRICS summit. This leaves Mzansi with the responsibility of ensuring that the Moegoe from Moscow never gets to taste vodka ever again in his icy life.

For the next few months, I’m forsaking the world and retreating into a quiet, secret life as I prepare for this momentous assignment.

If compatriots like Nelson Mandela could take one for the country by spending several decades in jail, why can’t I, a stylish son of the soil, also take one for all 60 million of us South Africans and the millions of other souls across the globe by carrying out this citizen’s arrest?

Thanks to the gods, I have even managed to trace MaSeven, a former cash-heist gang leader who is now doing a few life sentences for his role in these deadly robberies.

MaSeven has agreed to put me in touch with the sangoma who used to “strengthen” him and his buddies before each hit. Common sense tells me this sangoma knows his stuff because in all 22 heists he was involved in, MaSeven has never once been hit by a bullet.

Apparently, those bullets fired by the guards always turned into R200 notes when fired at MaSeven, courtesy of the sangoma’s charms. So, Putin’s men better be careful…

Arresting the Butcher of Darfur embarrassment

You see, the last time South Africa (SA) was given such a responsibility, to help to make the world a better place by arresting the Butcher of Darfur, one Omar al-Bashir, the relevant people embarrassed us all.

They let the former goat shepherd slip out of the country and back to his desert stronghold without carrying out their mandate as required by the ICC, to which SA is a signatory.

While having a stiff, calming drink the other day after learning about this latest responsibility bestowed upon us, I wondered if perhaps the world’s gods are testing us. Because why, out of 195 countries in this world, should the responsibility for arresting international tsotsis always fall on us?

Read more in Daily Maverick: Putin’s scheduled visit to South Africa could herald another Bashir debacle

Why can’t such responsibilities fall upon other countries, like Malawi for instance, or Eswatini? Malawi, for as long as I have been inhaling and exhaling under this merciless African sun, has always been known as the undisputed champion of witchcraft.

Very few people, including Malawians themselves, have cared to dispute this, which leaves one with a nagging suspicion that there could be some element of truth to this.

I once heard of a Joburg-based Malawian gardener, Fuchson, who made the daily commute back to his home country at the end of his shift in the northern suburbs through “magic airways”.

While he was back home in his Malawi village each night, folks in Joburg would see the same guy walking to the corner shop carrying a carton of milk. This is the kind of skill that Malawi can put to good use – and at the same time earn some glory – by arresting fugitives such as Putin.

Putin no lame duck

Anyway, from the intelligence I have gathered so far, Putin is no lame duck like our local politicians. The man is KGB-trained and is a top-class sniper who has aced extreme survival courses, which included spending days in the Russian mountains during bitterly cold months, surviving only on vodka.

He is an accomplished horse rider and spends his Sunday afternoons cruising the seas on a submarine while sipping vodka cocktails. And, oh boy, his martial arts skills can put the best of the monks in the Shaolin Temple to shame.

Now, imagine SA sending out one of Bheki Cele’s sloths to apprehend such a highly trained man.

We really can’t afford the embarrassment. Even Cele himself wouldn’t stand a chance against Vlado and his men.

And have you noticed how African heads of state are always surrounded by dozens upon dozens of beefy security men? Curiously, our presidents always seem to go for the meanest-looking men for the task of guarding them.

I am actually beginning to wonder if these people are there to guard their principals, or to strike the fear of the devil into us members of the public. They seem forever unhappy, angry, bitter and nauseated.

Read more in Daily Maverick: Under pressure: And so, Mr Putin, how has your war been going these days?

Not sure if this is one of the strict requirements of the job. Well, if it is, a good-looking, loveable fella like yours truly would never ever be considered for such a prestigious occupation.

Not that I care for such an occupation. I just can’t stand the thought of spending most of my precious life guarding a man whose sole responsibility is to make the lives of millions of other people miserable through load shedding, failure to combat crime and ensuring poverty remains a daily reality. Poverty remains an African politician’s best marketing tool.

Anyway, let’s leave that poverty-stricken topic for another time. The main issue now is Putin. By the time the man with vodka-infused veins touches down in this land of Thabo Bester and Bheki Cele, I will be more than ready. Pity I can’t reveal much of my plan now for security reasons.

But what I know is that I’m gon’ get my man. I’m gonna nab him in style. I’m just praying good ol’ Vlado doesn’t read this piece, because I don’t think he would dare set foot here after that. DM168

Mr Styles is the former president of the Organisation for Stylish People of South Africa (Osposa). He is against anything and anyone unstylish.

This story first appeared in our weekly Daily Maverick 168 newspaper, which is available countrywide for R25.

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Politics

Arresting the Butcher of Darfur embarrassment

Putin no lame duck