No stone left unturned in the greatest piece of investigative journalism ever!

Dearest Diary

I cannot believe this day has finally come; what an incredible way to end the year! This morning, I hit send on an email to my editor, an email that will most likely change the world. I assume she hasn’t checked her email for the last few hours because I have no doubt that the moment she reads it, she will call to congratulate me and immediately publish my findings. Finally, all the glorious titles I deserve will be mine. All the journalism awards will be mine. My name will go down in history as the single greatest example of investigative journaling ever. 

Malibongwe the Messianic, first of his kind, will take his place as saviour of journalism and country. For since the beginning of the year, I have gone where only the great and most excellent Dr Survé could dare to go; I embarked on a most historical journalistic investigation, all in search of the First Spine. 

My unfortunate colleagues — lesser journalists the lot of them — have long been perplexed by the mystery of our country’s missing First Spine; that somehow, it had been stolen from its usual location in the body of the country’s First Citizen. 

But none were so brave as me. 

I’ve criss-crossed the country and the globe in search of the First Spine. No lead was too small. In January, when a source told me it might have been stolen and sold on the black market to fund the MK party’s election, I bought a bulletproof vest and visited the province that God forgot. I left no stone unturned; I dived deep to the very bottom of every firepool I could find. More recently, I even visited Limpopo, home of the Phala-Phala pals and the Simelanes. I have crawled into holes no scorpion or dung beetle would dare to.

Back in February, after watching the First Citizen give a two-hour State of the Nation speech about the country’s great future if we let goons be bygones, some of my colleagues — they of little faith — expressed doubt that the First Spine had been stolen; mesmerised as they were by the State Capture successes the First Citizen mentioned, and the promises that hundreds more crooks would be prosecuted. 

Poetry

Daddy Coal Mantashe