The cost of a hug: Why visiting emigrant children can be fraught with difficulty

10 Mar 2025

Emigration has become an undeniable reality for many South African families, extending its impact far beyond those who leave to include the loved ones left behind.

In 2000, approximately 501,600 South African citizens lived abroad. By 2010, this number had increased to 743,807, and by 2020 it reached 914,901. According to the Migration Profile Report for South Africa: A Country Profile 2023, more than one million South Africans, about 1.6% of the country’s 63 million population, currently live overseas.

For parents and grandparents, being geographically separated from their adult children and grandchildren can profoundly alter family dynamics.

The distance introduces not only logistical hurdles, but also significant emotional and financial challenges. While transnational visits offer a vital means of preserving family bonds, many South African parents find that visiting regularly, if at all, remains out of reach.

Through my recent research into the impact of emigration on those left behind one theme stood out: the importance of visiting family abroad. However, despite the undeniable emotional rewards, what became even more evident were the numerous challenges that make these visits difficult, often impossible, for many South African parents.

Why visits matter

Technology has revolutionised how families stay connected. Video calls, instant messages, and social media updates offer a lifeline of communication across borders.

Yet, as many parents and grandparents in my research said, these virtual connections cannot fully replace the warmth, immediacy, and emotional depth of physical presence. Planned calls, though appreciated, often feel structured and lack the spontaneity of casual, face-to-face conversations.

The richness of sharing the same physical space, laughing together, exchanging hugs, or simply enjoying everyday moments is irreplaceable.

Parents often describe the profound joy of being physically present in their children’s lives: walking through their neighbourhoods, witnessing their daily routines, and seeing firsthand where their grandchildren play and learn. These visits are far more than holidays; they are opportunities to engage in unplanned conversations, participate in family traditions, and immerse themselves in moments that technology cannot capture.

While children do occasionally return to South Africa when circumstances allow, the research focuses on the experiences of parents visiting their children abroad. These visits enable parents to better understand the environments their children now call home, fostering a deeper connection with their grandchildren and a more tangible sense of involvement in their loved ones’ lives.

Despite the invaluable emotional rewards, several overlapping barriers make frequent visits strenuous, turning the decision to travel into a complex and emotionally taxing one.

Financial constraints

Unsurprisingly, financial considerations are the most significant obstacle. For South African parents, the weakened rand and rising international travel costs make visits prohibitively expensive. Recent figures reveal that the average cost of a return flight from South Africa to the United Kingdom is approximately R23,900; to Australia, R35,550; and to the United States, R38,350. Flights to destinations like Canada and New Zealand can be even more costly. To minimise expenses, some opt for cheaper flights that involve multiple layovers, often resulting in gruelling travel schedules that are particularly taxing for elderly travellers.

Beyond airfare, myriad hidden costs further strain budgets. Visa application fees, mandatory health insurance and medical examinations can turn a family visit into a financial burden, an unattainable luxury few can afford.

Retirees or those living on fixed incomes find themselves torn between preserving their financial stability and fulfilling their emotional need to reconnect with their children and grandchildren.

Physical and logistical challenges

Crowded airports, heavy luggage, jet lag, and long-haul flights of 15 hours or more (excluding layovers) can be exhausting. For elderly parents, these physical demands are intensified, often requiring careful planning and at times assistance to make the journey possible.

Health considerations can add further difficulties. Chronic conditions, mobility limitations and the stress of extended flights contribute to both physical and emotional fatigue. Many participants described the emotional build-up before the trip, only to arrive feeling drained — leaving them with less energy to fully enjoy the visit. The return journey can be equally taxing.

Accommodation and length of stay

Given the significant investment required to visit, many parents opt for extended stays to maximise their time abroad.

While living with their children offers an opportunity to immerse themselves in their daily lives and forge deeper connections with grandchildren creating precious memories, it can also introduce emotional challenges.

Families abroad have established routines, household norms, and personal schedules that may differ from what parents are used to. Privacy, space constraints, and differing expectations can strain even the closest relationships.

Shorter visits, while less disruptive, often feel too brief to meaningfully reconnect. Parents must balance their desire to be present with the need to respect their children’s autonomy and family dynamics.

The emotional weight of saying goodbye

Perhaps the most universally challenging aspect of these visits is the emotional toll of farewells. Parents eagerly anticipate reuniting with their children, but from the moment of arrival, there’s an underlying awareness that the visit is temporary. The joy of togetherness becomes tinged with the dread of parting, a heaviness that grows as the end of the visit approaches

One parent said: “The hardest part was holding myself together at the airport departure hall. Seeing my daughter after so long and finally hugging her felt surreal. But then comes that final embrace, her saying ‘Bye, Mom,’ and knowing it could be years before I feel that hug again. It’s a pain that stays with you long after the plane has taken off.”

For some, especially those aware that a visit might be their last due to age or health, each moment carries a bittersweet urgency. Others avoid visiting altogether — not because they don’t care, but because the emotional pain of leaving is too overwhelming to endure repeatedly.

Finding ways forward

While the desire to visit emigrant children and grandchildren is universal, making those visits a reality is anything but simple. It’s not just a matter of deciding to go, it involves a complex set of obstacles. Acknowledging these challenges is essential, but equally important is finding ways to nurture meaningful connections despite the distance.

Although technology may never fully replace the warmth of a hug or the joy of spontaneous laughter shared in person, these small, consistent gestures often carry immense significance, sustaining emotional closeness across vast distances. Some families carefully plan visits around significant milestones — birthdays, graduations, or holidays — to make each trip more meaningful. Others embrace creative solutions to stay connected between visits: sending care packages, sharing daily photos, or scheduling virtual activities with grandchildren, like reading bedtime stories over video calls.

The question is not always why parents don’t visit more often, but rather how do they manage to visit at all?

Home, for many, is where the heart is — but when that heart stretches across continents and time zones, maintaining connections requires more than just desire; it demands resilience, flexibility, and a deep emotional investment.

Yet, as many parents have come to understand, being caught between two worlds is a bittersweet privilege. DM

Sulette Ferreira, PhD, is a South African emigration therapist and researcher specialising in the emotional and relational dynamics of transnational families.

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