The love we seek: How to build authentic and healthy relationships

Many people spend much of their lives searching for what is arguably one of the most subjective of human experiences — true love. From popular movies, TV shows and dating apps to a cultural focus on finding “the one,” the phenomenon of love is inescapable. Our preoccupation with social connectedness is biologically connected to our desire for human connection.

But how do we establish connections across all our relationships that positively contribute to our well-being? Identifying the characteristics of a healthy relationship and being mindful of red flags is a reasonable place to start.

Love is often one of those things that you know when you feel it. While it is difficult to define love as an explicit experience or construct, there are certain guides we can use to understand what makes a loving relationship.

What makes a healthy relationship?

If you believe that friends are the family we choose, then you have been fortunate to experience a meaningful friendship that positively contributes to a reality where you feel appreciated, valued and have a sense of belonging.

This experience of connection can be defined as compassionate love; it was originally coined as a component of the Two-Factor Theory of Love, which suggests love is comprised of two main categories. The first is passionate love, which is the intense longing for someone that may end in sexual connection or rejection. The second is compassionate love, which is associated with friendship, companionship and affection.

A healthy relationship is one where you feel comfortable being your authentic self. As children, we are encouraged to contribute to social situations by being ourselves. As we grow, however, pre-conceived notions and human constructs like social comparison, stone-walling and gaslighting often push us to conform to certain standards or conceal who we are and how we feel

Being your authentic self means aligning your actions and behaviours with your core values and beliefs. This allows you to engage in self-discovery and thrive in every environment or relationship you find yourself in.

This alignment fosters a sense of congruence between your internal self and external expressions, allowing you to interact with others genuinely. Engaging with others authentically allows you to navigate social interactions with integrity and fosters deeper, more meaningful relationships.

What does love look like?

While love can be a difficult thing to define, there are some ways that we can sense when it is present, and when it isn’t.

Celebrating differences: Embracing the authenticity and differences of friends, siblings and partners fosters appreciation. This can reduce criticism, unrealistic expectations and dissatisfaction in relationships. Forcing change may work briefly, but it often leads to resentment and unhappiness.

Putting in the work: The grass is greener where you water it. Whether it’s a 25-year or five-month partnership, relationships require effort and cooperation. Working through individual differences to achieve a common goal is crucial in relationships. Siblings may need to overlook disagreements, while friends should meet regularly.

Leaning into language: When extending a gesture or token of appreciation, consider how it will be received by your partner — not by you. For instance, if you enjoy going out for dessert but the other person prefers staying at home, you might initially think of taking them out for dessert. However, to ensure the gesture is meaningful, present it in a way that aligns with their preferences and how they receive affection.

Diffusion: Acceptance and commitment therapy encourages people to create psychological and emotional space when conflict arises. This makes space for them to process conflict objectively, while also de-personalizing the interaction, contributing to emotional regulation and an ability to respond intentionally. The ability to develop and facilitate this skill is a vital tool for emotional regulation across relationships and circumstances.

A couple kisses during the Bangkok Pride Parade on June 01, 2024 in Bangkok, Thailand. (Photo by Lauren DeCicca/Getty Images)

Signs love may not be present

Our need to belong and form meaningful connections drives our desire for companionship. When these efforts fail or relationships break, it is painful. Yet, there are some potential signs that can indicate when love is no longer present in a relationship.

Lack of communication and avoiding conflict: Poor communication and avoiding conflict can harm relationships. Research shows that not communicating leads to misunderstandings, emotional withdrawal and unresolved issues. Avoiding conflict can result in internalizing emotions, passive-aggressive behaviour and tension. In friendships, poor communication can cause feelings of being unheard or undervalued. Studies indicate that healthy friendships rely on open communication and respectful conflict resolution.

In family relationships, dysfunctional communication often contributes to division and resentment. Family therapy research has found that a lack of open communication can contribute to generational misunderstandings, leading to dysfunctional family dynamics.

Lack of empathy and emotional support: Empathy is essential for maintaining a long and satisfying relationship longevity. In the absence of empathy, relationships are more likely to become emotionally disconnected and particularly one-sided, where one person is identified as the giver and the other the recipient.

Within families, particularly between parents and children, the absence of empathy may lead to significant emotional strain. Research has found that if family members fail to offer emotional support or to recognize each other’s needs, it negatively impacts family cohesion and individual well-being.

Controlling or manipulative behaviour: Controlling behaviours, like restricting autonomy or manipulating someone into believing they are the problem in every situation, pose a serious threat to the well-being of a relationship. Research has shown that controlling behaviours often reflect insecurity and can contribute to abusive dynamics in relationships.

In friendships, manipulation may present as guilt-tripping, isolating from others or using emotional leverage to get one’s way. Research in this area suggests that healthy friendships involve mutual respect and boundaries, and when manipulation is present, satisfaction and trust are significantly reduced.

In families, controlling behaviours from parents, siblings or other relatives may contribute to a decrease in personal growth. The creation of toxic family dynamics manipulation and control at the hands of the family has been found to significantly contribute to damaging effects over time, particularly in the parent-child relationship.

To curate healthy and meaningful relationships, be intentional about nurturing connection, authenticity and mutual respect. By celebrating differences, putting in effort, communicating openly and practising emotional regulation, it is possible to create meaningful relationships that will positively contribute to our well-being.

At the same time, we need to be diligent in recognizing and addressing red flags like poor communication and manipulative behaviours. Doing so allows us to safeguard our emotional health. Start today — reflect on your relationships, embrace authenticity and take the steps necessary to build deeper, more supportive connections that enrich your life. DM 

This story was first published in The Conversation. DaLissa Alzner is a Registered Psychotherapist and Adjunct faculty in the Department of Applied Psychology, Adler University.