Totsiens my skatties — all the best in the US

Dearest Oraninnies and Afriforumense.

I trust this email finds you liberated.

First, please accept my heartfelt apologies for the many times I have doubted or ignored your suffering here, at the kak bottom of darkest Africa. On behalf of the rest of us privileged South Africans who have been living it up crime-free and luxuriating in the abundance of service delivery and financial security, I am truly sorry for your suffering. 

Blame it on the government and their State TV, but we had no idea, we just didn’t know what was happening right under our noses. Thanks to Mr Trump and grootbek Afriforumense, we now know that “South Africa is confiscating land, and treating certain classes of people very badly.”  

I for one am going to do my best to make it up to you. I promise you that every single day, I will atone for my ignorance, for my part in your suffering. Just last night I started a petition on change.org to motivate for the immediate establishment of a Facts And Reconciliation Commission Exercise (Farce). While the US has rightly cut off aid to this part of the world, its enlightened president has mercifully expressed much sympathy for your cause, which he correctly describes as “unjust racial discrimination” in his recently signed executive order.  

Hence I am sure he will make an exception and fund this Farce in your name. In fact, a little later today, when I go on my cigarette break, I’ll sommer quickly start another petition for US funding for Targets of Unjust Racial Discrimination (Turds), such as yourselves. 

And I will not stop there in my mission to make amends for your suffering. In fact, I would like to offer the services of my new company, Expatriatastic Movers, to help with your upcoming move to the States. As per Trump’s executive order, you Turds should soon be able to apply for “admission and resettlement through the United States Refugee Admissions Program”. While I would love for you to stay for the big Farce, I completely understand if you feel there is no point in waiting for the government to take your land when you can just give it all up and start afresh in exile.

I want you to know that in solidarity with your cause, and in protest against this government, I have made a point of not registering my company, Expatriatastic Movers. This is the only way to ensure that I avoid paying any more taxes to this government which, on top of the usual corruption, has been apartheiding right under our African noses. Askies tog. 

My refusal to register Expatriatastic Movers also ensures that my company need not adhere to any BBBEEE kak. Ek guarantee jou, there will be no broad-based empowerment of any sort in my company. Every cent will come to me and it will be kept in my bank account. And I can assure you that at the very top level of the institution I bank with, the people that profit the most share a common ancestry met julle mense. Hence I can assure you that booking your move with Expatriatastic Movers ensures the money goes back into the gemeenskap, if you catch my drift.

Understandably, not every Oraninny and not all grootbek Afriforumense have the funds on hand to help with this groot trek, and Trump’s executive order doesn’t quite make it clear if “admission and resettlement through the United States Refugee Admissions Program” includes transportation of all of one’s belongings.

Considering that some soon-to-be-refugee Afriforumense have amassed soooo many belongings during their time as Turds, Expatriatastic Movers will ensure every last creature comfort makes the trek safely with you to your new refugee camp, even if you don’t have the funds to pay me.

In fact, to really stick it to that Ramaphony and his Ramacronies and their nil compensation kak, Expatriatastic Movers will happily take payment in title deeds. Take that, Cupcake!

Lastly, my lieflik Oraninnies and grootbek Afriforumense, ek weet that the past three decades have asked much of you. You’ve had to share so much of what was once all yours, and the service has gone to kak. As something of a hermit myself, with a deep love for solitude, space and land, I can only imagine what it must be like to find oneself in the cacophony of what can only be described as Africa Proper. 

Fret not my lieflings, and dink aan jou upcoming move with Expatriatastic Movers as a statement and a reminder to the world that the pioneering spirit did not die with the Voortrekkers. I for one look forward to the things you will build. I imagine it won’t be long before labels on American products also feature translations in die taal. 

Julle mense will be missed proper, but as the saying goes, Africa is nie vir sissies nie. Totsiens my skatties. DM