When Harry and Meghan met SA: Media loses the plot royally over a visit

Let’s get one thing clear from the start. If you’re going to express craven enthusiasm for any members of the British royal family, you could do a lot worse than Harry and Meghan. Literally: a lot worse.

There’s Princess Michael of Kent, for instance, who wore a piece of “blackamoor” jewellery to the Queen’s Christmas luncheon in 2017, and who previously defended herself against claims of racism with a Rachel Dolezal-style anecdote which raises more questions than it answers — namely: “I even pretended years ago to be an African, a half-caste African, but because of my light eyes I did not get away with it, but I dyed my hair black".

There’s Prince Andrew, who enjoyed a close friendship with deceased US paedophile Jeffrey Epstein, and who has frantically denied allegations that he had sex with at least one of Epstein’s underage victims.

Sure, Harry hasn’t always seemed the mature and apparently sincerely decent human he is today. There were reported comments about “Pakis” in the past; there was the time he indulged in a little Nazi cosplay for a party. But boys will be boys, and we live in a country where “Boys Will Be Boys” is practically engraved on our national crest under the Khoisan people arm-wrestling.

Besides, he has since been redeemed through his choice of consort: a woman who bears the genetic blessing of not being related to any member of European royalty, and who has experienced life on the coalface of commoners through her toil as a Hollywood TV star.

All things considered, Harry and Meghan — sorry, the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, as local journalists reverently reported, even though we literally do not know what any of those words mean in this country — are definitely as good as it gets.

This trip to South Africa comes at what must be a difficult time for the British royal family. It has now been established by the UK Supreme Court that Prime Minister Boris Johnson probably “misled” the Queen when he stuffed an order to suspend Parliament into her white-gloved hand and mumbled at her to sign it.

Any of us with elderly relatives can relate to the fear that they will one day be duped by a bouffant-haired conman. That day has now officially dawned for the younger royals. It would have been nice to learn Harry’s feelings on the matter — does he intend to return to Westminster and challenge Bo-Jo to a duel for scamming his gran? But there was no room for this line of questioning on the couple’s tightly controlled charity blitz.

Dogging Harry and Meghan’s every step around the Western Cape were a phalanx of journalists. The tone was set by the Sunday Times’ feverish preview of their visit, including a piece instructing South Africans: “If you do get to meet them, here’s what NOT to do”.

Listed among the no-nos: offering to babysit Baby Archie — a piece of advice presumably targeted particularly at teachers from Vanderbijlpark with drug debts.

Absent from the article: the consequences for breaking with royal etiquette. Would one be shipped post haste to the Tower of London? Would special courts be set up on home soil to prosecute the impertinent, a la the 2010 Fifa World Cup?

No need to worry, as it turned out. When the royal circus arrived in Nyanga, the scenes of choreographed jubilation were reminiscent of Queen Elizabeth’s 1961 trip to Ghana.

“Your strength is in your spirit,” Prince Harry told the locals consolingly.

“I am here with you as your sister,” said Meghan, who was averaging around four outfit changes a day.

It was not only the South African media going befok for the royals, of course. For the real deep-dive detail, the Daily Mail was on hand to parse every royal blink. Reporting from a Nyanga crèche, the British tabloid wrote:

“Meghan got down on the floor to play with children whose parents initially appeared frozen before they joined her on the mat.”

At a time when Donald Trump is facing impeachment and Britain is floundering in the quagmire of an unprecedented constitutional crisis, CNN ran a live blog on the royals’ trip to Cape Town.

It reported on a “special basket of presents” given to the couple and Baby Archie by Archbishop Desmond Tutu. With legendary struggle heroes now thin on the ground, Tutu — despite his failing health — has been saddled with Nelson Mandela’s mantle as the South African icon trotted out to sprinkle Mzansi Magic on visiting celebrities.

A photograph showed the Arch handing over a stack of books to the new parents. One was a copy of Tutu’s children’s book Desmond and the Very Mean Word, which the royals were probably hoping would not turn out to be “Colonialism”.

When Harry and Meghan reached the resolutely independent enclave of the Bo-Kaap on Heritage Day, local journalists appeared to experience some difficulty finding residents ready to gush in the direction of royalty at the turn of the mic. Many observers, reported the Cape Argus, were “only there to see the Cape Minstrels”.

How is one to make sense of the wall-to-wall media coverage afforded the royal couple at a time when South Africa is roiled by turmoil? Perhaps that question answers itself.

Interviewed by the Sunday Times for no apparent reason on her feelings about the royal visit, former DA leader Helen Zille probably nailed it:

“I’m not sure what the royals intend to do here, but it will be a welcome distraction from the all the other issues we have to worry about.”

Zille then proceeded to name-drop a telephone directory of British royals with whom she has gratefully interacted in the past. Former colonial subjects of South Africa: Emancipate yourselves! DM