Redefining family — choosing love, giving freely and finding belonging

3 Jun 2025

Family isn’t just about blood; it’s about the people we choose to love and stand beside. In a world where traditional roles are shifting, this piece explores how meaningful connection comes not from obligation, but from conscious contribution.

Your family are your closest and most caring connections; those who provide solidarity, acceptance and support, and a sense of belonging. Without these meaningful relationships it is easy to feel less anchored, and more alone.

The saying, “You can choose your friends, but you can’t choose your family” may be true, but you can choose your contribution, and your preferred proximity, to the people who mean something to you. Your family does not have to fit into a perfectly defined box, and does not have to be traditional, to work. They are the people we choose to define as such – those who are linked to us in love – who are there to provide stability and consistency, and bear witness to the way we choose to live our lives.

To make the most of our relationships, it can be far more rewarding to pay attention not to what we need from family (and this includes partners, children, parents, siblings, relatives and friends) but what we can give to them. It is easy to become focused first on what we want, before considering sharing what it is that we can contribute.

Our actions fall under our control, and that is always a good place to begin. What we want from others is not ours to action – that is for them to decide. We can make our needs clear, but then it is up to them to choose to what extent they can fulfil those needs.

How can we give to those we care for?

It is less about money or gifts or unasked-for advice, and more about consistency, reliability, love and support.

We can listen. When we make ourselves available to our loved ones, we can choose to be fully present – 20 minutes of quality, focused one-on-one time is better than one hour of distracted attention. It is far easier to supply much-needed support when you are fully engaged and listening. When people are being properly listened to (without interruptions, however well meaning), they tend to repeat themselves less and focus more on really articulating what they want to say.

We can give the tech a break. When we are spending quality time with a family member we can put the ever-present tech away, and have real conversations, or even share the silence for a change. There are so many enriching alternatives to consider or enjoy alongside each other – walking, cooking, chatting, playing, even reading.

We can be more patient, both with day-to-day events and long-term challenges. We tend to give family members (especially partners and children) less time to “get with the programme” and often expect them to mind-read exactly what it is that we want from them. If somebody in your family is experiencing a challenge, it may be crystal clear to you what steps should be taken next, but sometimes they need the space, and the confidence boost, that arrives with coming to the realisation themselves.

We can be more fun! It could be an activity, an outing, a game, a joke, a story, a laugh at an unexpected time or an impromptu dance party. Laughing together is group therapy, and it is incredibly gratifying to be the one who instigates it.

We can hug more. It’s hard not to feel great after giving (and receiving) a good hug. Physical closeness almost always feels good, and hugging with full intention is one of the kindest things you can do for someone.

Once you’ve spent some time on all these areas, you may naturally find that the list of things that you “need” from your family has shortened. Because you have focused on what you can give, naturally so will they, and you can relish the receiving.

Another thing we can do to care for our close relationships is to choose our words wisely. Our choice to use the words “always” and “never” without careful thought can be upsetting to the recipient and damaging to a relationship. They can be interpreted as a hurtful judgement of someone’s character; and there is almost always a better way to frame what you would like to say.

The word “always” means “at all times, and on all occasions”. The word “never” means “at no time, not in any degree, and under no condition”. If you find yourself making this accusation about someone’s behaviour – be it your partner, child, a friend or a colleague – be sure that you are clear about what you mean, and about the impact of your words.

Three alternatives to try

By simply substituting these two words with “often” you will find not only that you are being more accurate, but also that the recipient of your judgement may respond a little less defensively.

Lose the judgement completely, and do not make statements about someone’s character or behaviours unless they are positive. (This excludes constructive criticism which can be important both to give and receive).

The words “always” and “never” are often used in frustration.

Pause and take a few deep breaths, or a break, or a walk, and afterwards consider if there is a different way of communicating what you would like to say; or if you still want to say anything at all.

Finally, imagine these two words being spun around and used only for positive, boosting character judgements:

I’ve never seen you leave a mess. You always tidy up!

I’ve never heard her be pessimistic. She always seems to have something nice to say!

We should all choose to watch our words with care, as well as our choice of tone. It is better to be nice; and to be fair and less judgemental of those who we are fortunate enough to call family.

Leo Tolstoy said: “Real happiness is not in money, fame or vanity, but in quietness, peace and family harmony.”

Focusing on what we are able to give others rather than receive, and selecting our words mindfully, are two meaningful ways to contribute to the family harmony we seek. DM

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Maverick Life

How can we give to those we care for?

Three alternatives to try