Welcome to the MAGA world of dire-straits farmers and no lamb tjoppies

As you may or may not know, I usually write a food column. But looking at the news lately I became overwhelmed by the plight of my fellow Afrikaners seeking to be political refugees in the US and I thought I should help. We have to stand together, you know. Eendrag maak mag, kind of thing.

I’m an Afrikaans boy living in the US for 35 years so I have a few tips that might come in handy and perhaps could make life easier for all you lucky Afrikaners planning to take up Trump’s offer and come to the US as political refugees. Good for you, I say. It’s been a long struggle, and you deserve it. Anyway, here we go:

• Try to bring your domestic worker and gardener with you. Otherwise, you’re going to have to pay minimum wage for local help and declare it when you submit your taxes. Remember the nanny tax scandal? So for five days a week you’re probably looking at about R37,000 a month for an ousie. If you want to go with a house cleaning service instead you’re probably looking at about R1,200 an hour, ditto for a garden service. And that’s on the low end. Also keep in mind that now that your buddy Trump is deporting all the low-wage workers to Panama, help is hard to find and prices will be much higher by the time you get here. So if I were you, I would seriously consider sneaking the help in, otherwise you’re going to end up doing all that shit yourself;


• If you’re planning on buying a house, the housing market here is really tight and mortgage rates are really high. The median price for an existing home in the US is now R7,500,000.00. That’s if the banks here will give you a loan because they get kind of sticky when you have no credit history in the US. So maybe try to ship your house over too. Would probably be cheaper;


• Of course, if you have no credit history in the US, you might have a  problem applying for a credit card. But you knew that, right?;


• By the way, make sure one of your white MAGA buddies will be prepared to sign for your car loan. Public transport is not a thing in conservative states;


• You have to pump your own gas/petrol here, so make sure they locate you somewhere with a warm climate. (It’s -25°C out there in Chicago right now, quite warm actually for this time of year.);


• The average student loan debt here is about R750,000, a lot of it subsidised by the government, but seeing as your buddy Donald has nixed those subsidies with his new education initiative, you may have to eat it all, so make sure the kiddies go to university before you show up on these MAGA shores;


• If you’re a farmer, keep in mind that the farming industry in the US is in dire straits because your buddy Trump has slashed farming aid, despite what he says and despite that 90% of farmers voted for him. For instance, many farmers depended on supplying foreign aid programmes, but seeing as that got nixed, all their products are now rotting in harbours. They obviously didn’t see that one coming. There are many local jobless, highly qualified agriculturists on the market so unless you’re prepared to shovel chicken shit, get in line. The people that used to do that kind of thing are now on their way to Columbia or Panama;


• Speaking of kiddies in school, if you end up in a southern state, be careful not to mention the Civil War. Down south it’s called the War of Northern Aggression, nothing to do with the abolition of slavery but everything to do with states’ rights. Never mind the fact that your buddy Donald is now intervening in New York congestion pricing. So much for states’ rights;


• Speaking of pricing, inflation has gone through the roof in the past month because of Trump’s tariff threats creating uncertainty in global financial markets, so by the time you get here you might have to ditch eggs for breakfast. And don’t even think about a nice steak;


• Talking of which – lamb chops? Forget about it. Lamb is just not a thing for Americans. Oh, and that indoor braai you love so much. In 35 years, I’ve never seen an indoor braai anywhere in the US. Probably against very strict fire regulations. Braai, even outdoors? Hmm. I’ll get back to you on that. Actual outdoor built brick braais are also not common. All fancy gas grills. Americans don’t sit around a braai and talk. They all watch a football game inside while one sucker stands outside in the heat or cold, depending on your location, flipping hotdogs and hamburger patties on a Weber grill. They don’t bond over a barbecue fire here. And if you think you’re going to find a local slaghuis, forgetaboudit, as they say in New York. You’re going to have to live like most Americans do, on packaged supermarket meat;


• Rusks? You’ll have to mail-order Ouma rusks from a South African food store in Atlanta and they will come all smashed up because they don’t package them properly – or bake your own. Fokkit. Ja-nee. Sorry dudes. Oh, by the way, did I mention biltong and boerewors? You’re totally on your own. On the bright side, if you end up near a big city, there might be a Nando’s. Hou duim vas.?


• Okay, so rugby? Rugby? Football is king here. You know the game where they all wear heavy gear, head butt, play for a few seconds and then wake up with brain damage 10 years later. The most famous rugby player here is Ilona Maher, a girl. Sorry dudes, if you want to watch a match here, it would probably be a chick match;


• Political refugees arriving here usually have to be processed and it can take a while, US bureaucracy being what it is, and now that a bunch of immigration officials have lost their jobs they may be a little short-staffed, so you and your loved ones might end up in some overcrowded temporary accommodation with mouldy wallpaper, leaking ceilings and clogged toilets. And of course you wouldn’t want your case officer to be a resentful DEI appointee, accidentally overlooked by your compatriot Elon’s DOGE “you’re fired” lot.