Why do we revert to our childhood selves when we visit family?

You’re an independent, capable adult all year round. But when you gather with family for a holiday such as Christmas, suddenly the child in you comes out. Maybe you find yourself fighting with a sibling over a board game, or being sulky around your parents.

Why does it feel like you regress to childhood around family? And does this happen to everyone?

Here’s the psychology behind those old dynamics – and some tips on how to take a pause and reset this festive season.

Understanding family dynamics

Attachment theory is a widely studied theory of human bonding developed in the early 20th Century.

It suggests our early experiences – especially how we “attached” to parents and primary caregivers as children – influence how we interact with family and in other close relationships.

As adults, we hold certain thoughts, beliefs and stories about these early experiences. These can be positive or negative, and guide how we act around our parents (or later in life, romantic partners).

Together these attitudes, beliefs and behaviours form our “attachment pattern”.

Around 60% of people have a secure pattern. They usually hold quite positive memories about their early relationship with their parents. They can communicate openly and honestly with caregivers and turn to them for advice and comfort.

The remaining 40% have an insecure pattern. They often have negative attitudes towards early experiences with their parents. As a result, some people will act withdrawn and distant towards loved ones (known as “avoidant”). Others may need high levels of closeness and validation, and fear rejection (“anxious”).

When we’re around our parents (or primary caregivers) these attachment patterns continue to inform how we might feel or behave even as adults.

Do we treat our parents how we’ve been treated?

One of the major questions in attachment research is whether parents pass their attachment pattern onto their children. This is known as “intergenerational transmission”.

For example, a parent may be distant or withdrawn around their young child early in life. As an adult, that child may in turn treat their parent in a similar way. This would indicate the passing down of an avoidant attachment pattern.

This may be one reason we find ourselves falling into “old patterns” when we’re in the presence of our parents or other close family.

For instance, your mum withdraws, offended about the reaction to her Christmas trifle, and you find yourself anxiously reassuring her it was delicious. But it doesn’t play out like this in all families. There are reasons why intergenerational transmission might not be strong in some parent-child relationships.

The impact of stress

The care we received from our parents is an important part of how our attachment pattern develops. But it doesn’t fully explain it.

Stressful life events – especially when we’re young – also shape us. And they may affect the quality of the care our parents or caregivers are able to provide in those situations. Over time, extremely stressful and enduring events can take a toll on the parent-child bond and it may become less secure. Conversely, if life gets easier the relationship between parent and child may also become more secure – or simply less insecure.

Because Christmas can sometimes evoke temporary stress, this can make our insecurities more prominent and affect how we behave around family.

Our temperament matters

Your temperament also plays a role in how you develop an attachment pattern.

Children who are more sensitive, reactive or irritable are more likely to be affected by how well a parent attends to their needs and concerns.

In contrast, children who are less sensitive, and more adaptable to situations, may be less affected by the same behaviour from a parent. They may be able to develop a more secure (or less insecure) attachment pattern despite being raised by an insecure parent, whereas the more sensitive child cannot.

This can partly explain why adult siblings may experience family settings differently.

Is there anything I can do?

It can sometimes feel like family dynamics are in control of us. But remember, there are things you can do to regain clarity if you’re feeling overwhelmed.

1. Talk to someone

In the lead-up to family time, speak to a close friend or a wise relative about your concerns. They might help you understand what felt negative in the past and workshop how to avoid repeating this and have more positive interactions.

2. Talk to yourself

All of us have a stronger and wiser self inside us. If you’re reminded of negative childhood experiences with family, you may experience feeling emotional, reactive or uncertain. Think of the part of you that’s calm and capable. Take a few moments to connect with that side – it may have some wise advice.

3. Take a break

Can you temporarily remove yourself? Find somewhere you can have a short break to calm your mind and feelings. During this time, you might want to draw on strategies known to reduce stress and negative emotions. For instance, you can use breathing techniques to slow down and calm your mind.

Another strategy is to call out your negative thoughts. One way to do this is by sarcastically “thanking your mind” for the negative thought. This allows you to better identify the negative thought and to put the brakes on how much you listen to that thought.

Sometimes – especially during the festive season – we feel we should put up with it and push through negative interactions with family. But this can sometimes cause more problems.

It’s OK if you’re feeling vulnerable and emotional. It may also help to find an ally (such as an understanding sibling) who can help you ride the wave of emotion and talk through your feelings. You can rejoin festivities when you’ve regrouped. DM 

This story was first published in The Conversation. Gery Karantzas is a Professor in Social Psychology / Relationship Science at Deakin University.